You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
