theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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