i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
