the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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