Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
