Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
