So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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