if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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