awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
