Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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