i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
