Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
