I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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