I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
