I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize