I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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