just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
