Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ladies don't puke and tell
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize