Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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