K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
