my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
