Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
