why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
