Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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