you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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