I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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