I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So much Jack, so little girl.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
