there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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