He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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