I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
