you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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