theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
