The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
