dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
