a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
