I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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