you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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