Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
