My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
