Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
