I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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