you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
