This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
