apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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