I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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