You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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