Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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