Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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