...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
