She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
no you cant smoke seaweed
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
