Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
