Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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