Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
