why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
