I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Be still, my beating vagina.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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