i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
