i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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