Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize