Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
