sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
