Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
