Taylor Swift is so right about you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
