The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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