why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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