My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
