I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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